February 11, 2022
Valentine’s Day is not one of my favorite holidays. It’s not because I hate mushy-feeling-lovey-dovey time doting over my one true love. It’s because of the horrible memories of getting something that I thought was special for my wife over the years but instead turned out being far from romantic.
Seriously, these are cringeworthy.
Shortly after we were married, I went out and bought my wife a brand-new vacuum cleaner. Essentially, I was saying “Honey, I love watching you do housework. I hope this vacuum helps.” My wife later told me that she is not the maid, and she wouldn’t mind watching me do the housework from time to time. She also said that there is nothing sexier than a man doing the dishes. I had no idea dishwater hands were a thing.
Another year my wife asked me to go pick up some wallpaper for the kitchen. I found what I thought was a pattern she would love because it had our wedding colors in it. I was so proud of my “romantic” thought until I got home. She took one look at it and said that it looked like a unicorn exploded or threw up. She must have loved me for the effort because we put it up anyway. That or she wanted me to never forget.
Along those same lines do not ever attempt to buy clothes for your wife when it comes to size or name brand. Another blogger wrote that if they’re too big she’ll roll her eyes and if they’re too small – you’re dead. A bathroom scale spells certain doom as well.
Finally, never purchase a gift for any occasion that is obviously a gift for yourself. A few of my greatest hits include a television set, a computer, a professional tool set, and garage organization cabinets. Also, any number of electronic gadgets you had to have. Your Valentine’s Day card might as well say “look what I bought myself, so you don’t have to”! I think lingerie fits in this category as well.
In the end, a dozen roses or jewelry is the safest bet. Or you can just do the dishes.
-Jim Nebeker has been happily (luckily) married for 29 years despite his obvious poor taste in romantic gifts. He currently writes for Anthem Broadband as the social media manager in Idaho Falls.